Murder, She Wrote

Hello!

Welcome back to Plan B, I hope you are all appropriately desperate. The first question we will be tackling is from one JackAlsworth from Othello, Washington. He asks, and I compliment him on brevity, “How should I kill my wife?”

Thank you, Mr. Alsworth of Othello, Washington, for baptising this blog in the blood of the innocent, and, supposedly, that of your wife.

The SIMPLE answer is to ask if she wants children. But we aren’t looking for the simple answer, are we?

According to Wikipedia, which conveniently has a list of weird deaths, a Grecian law-maker named Draco died of asphyxiation due to the pile of cloaks and hats given to him in a theater on Aegina. I don’t think many courts would appreciate the irony, however, and that many coats and hats would be both difficult to market and store.

A better solution would be similar to the death of Saint Lawrence in 258 A.D. He was roasted over a spit. Over the course of being broiled alive, however, it is said that he joked to his tormentors that he could be flipped over now, he was done on that side. Saint Lawrence later became the patron of cooks and firefighters.

Lastly, we turn to science.

The human body is approximately 70% water. Assuming that your wife is part of the human species, drinking several liters of water in a very short amount of time can easily cause death in a phenomena known as hyponatremia.

In closing, I will remind both Mr. Alsworth and the other ravid readers of second-best advice that murder is something inherently unethical and wrong. That said, out of all fifty states, Washington rates as the fifth best state for divorce, with only a 90 day processing period. This is a dramatic separation from Arkansas, which has a 540 day wait.

Of course, as always, more questions are totally cool, and hopefully not as morbid as Mr. JackAlsworth’s. If you have a question, feel free to contact me on either twitter (@eli_gone_crazy) or by email at eligonecrazy@gmail.com

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