Psychic Paper

Hello again, and welcome back to everyone’s second choice for all their advice needs. As we all know, it’s been ages since the last post, and Plan B’s lack of reliability is just another reason why no one should take this seriously.

Today I will be tackling a question from a Not-Scarab (lovely name, dear, if a bit odd). Not-Scarab hails from Giggleswick, England. Her question is, “How do I convince people in the writing industry to employ me when I have an art degree?”

The short answer is, frankly, that you can’t. I’m sorry madam, but because of a choice you made at the ripe old age of young adulthood, you are trapped in a fanciful world surrounded by the greats, Disney, Dr. Suess, Dali. Really, you just have no possible way of being taken seriously in ANY community beyond that of Art.

The long answer, though, will require some research.

What makes art, and how that can be applied to writing? Art is a visual medium, and as we all know, writing uses no visuals at all. The letters on the page don’t actually exist. In fact, all you are reading is psychic paper. I see blank. I cannot read. This shouldn’t stop you of course, though I would seriously question why you are asking a blog that cannot read why you should pursue a writing career.

However, if you are just fascinated by the letters, I can understand that. In fact, a lot of people were at some point in history. The Book of Kells is a really famous illustrated bible written by Irish monks during the middle ages. It has amazing attention to detail, and was transcribed by artists.

It also spawns The Secret of Kells, which is a beautifully animated feature totally subsisting of the study of the Bible and never focusing on the history or mythology of the Celts or featuring any cameos by the conquering Vikings. At all.

So, you see, you shouldn’t give up hope! There’s lots of hope for artists illustrating letters! If you are looking to rent a time machine, might I suggest calling 1-800-TIM-EMAC. Use the keyword “Gigawatts” and you’ll get 10% off your order!

I do hope that’s answered your question, Not-Scarab. You are hopelessly trapped in a decision you made years ago, and there is absolutely no hope for any growth or change. Have a lovely day, and thank you for consulting everyone’s second best advice giver!


Murder, She Wrote


Welcome back to Plan B, I hope you are all appropriately desperate. The first question we will be tackling is from one JackAlsworth from Othello, Washington. He asks, and I compliment him on brevity, “How should I kill my wife?”

Thank you, Mr. Alsworth of Othello, Washington, for baptising this blog in the blood of the innocent, and, supposedly, that of your wife.

The SIMPLE answer is to ask if she wants children. But we aren’t looking for the simple answer, are we?

According to Wikipedia, which conveniently has a list of weird deaths, a Grecian law-maker named Draco died of asphyxiation due to the pile of cloaks and hats given to him in a theater on Aegina. I don’t think many courts would appreciate the irony, however, and that many coats and hats would be both difficult to market and store.

A better solution would be similar to the death of Saint Lawrence in 258 A.D. He was roasted over a spit. Over the course of being broiled alive, however, it is said that he joked to his tormentors that he could be flipped over now, he was done on that side. Saint Lawrence later became the patron of cooks and firefighters.

Lastly, we turn to science.

The human body is approximately 70% water. Assuming that your wife is part of the human species, drinking several liters of water in a very short amount of time can easily cause death in a phenomena known as hyponatremia.

In closing, I will remind both Mr. Alsworth and the other ravid readers of second-best advice that murder is something inherently unethical and wrong. That said, out of all fifty states, Washington rates as the fifth best state for divorce, with only a 90 day processing period. This is a dramatic separation from Arkansas, which has a 540 day wait.

Of course, as always, more questions are totally cool, and hopefully not as morbid as Mr. JackAlsworth’s. If you have a question, feel free to contact me on either twitter (@eli_gone_crazy) or by email at



This is Plan B, your premier second choice for all advice giving, both evil and benign!

Every week I will answer at least one of your burning questions of how to handle life and everything in it! It will probably not be the right answer but if you wanted actual help you would consult either your local elder, lucky dice, or perhaps your left shoe.

No, Plan B exists as a stark reminder of what you shouldn’t do. Ever. Please never take my advice seriously, because if all your friends leapt off of a bridge, why, you should also jump off of that bridge. Solidarity is a key marker for friendships, after all.

To contact me and leave a question: a comment, tweet, e-mail, or carrier pigeon is gladly excepted. Collect calls are not. You can reach me on twitter @eli_gone_crazy, or by email at